You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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