Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Houston, we have a squirter
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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