On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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