saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
foreskin is a definite game changer
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
