i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
