If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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