I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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