Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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