remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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