I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
