I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
