"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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