i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
