AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
