Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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