cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
