are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
