I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
