this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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