Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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