It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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