I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
