I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
