Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
