You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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