its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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