I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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