We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
A bitchslap is in order.
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