True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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