this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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