i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
