My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
