I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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