why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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