my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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