Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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