i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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