I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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