T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
