hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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