I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My liver is preforming stress tests.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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