This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
