My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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