My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
