Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
