I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
People in love make me want to vomit
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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