Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
