i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
