I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
