well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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