i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
