Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
